Adults Ruined Patton Oswalt’s Local Halloween Haunted House

Adults Ruined Patton Oswalt’s Local Halloween Haunted House

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-Your daughter, 8-years-old. -8-years-old now.
-Halloween coming up. -Halloween coming up.
-Does she have plans? -She has huge plans. She has picked
a very elaborate costume that we´re gonna — we´re still
trying to put together that she told me — she goes,
“I know you´re going on TV. Don´t say my costume!”
-Okay, great. -Like, you guys
will blog about it or something. You know.
[ Laughter ] But the thing about —
Every year, her friend — She has this friend
who goes to this very progressive hippie school
in Los Feliz, where — It´s the kind of school where it´s like,
“We don´t have walls.” And like, “Instead of
an A or an F, we give a sticker
of a smiling pomegranate or a worried opossum.”
Like, “Wait. What?” you know. But they do this really cool
Halloween carnival every year. And they —
and the kids — these — you know, grade-school kids,
put together a haunted house. And it´s so charming. You go in, and they have — They make hallways
out of trash bags, and you go down the hall
and something jumps, “Boo!” and the kids — “Aah!” It´s just — and I´ve — I´ve taken my daughter
since she was 3, and she just jumps in my arms
and hides her head, but I can hear her laughing. She´s like — thinks she — It´s hilarious for her to be
scared by this silly thing. But the last year we went,
I don´t know why this happened. The adults
at the school decided, “We are going to help
do the haunted house.” So I go in with Alice, and
there´s a bunch of other kids, and the first thing
that happens, we walked in, and this woman
dressed like a witch pops out and says,
“I´ve killed Harry Potter!” [ Laughter ] And all of the kids go, “What?!”
and just, like, start crying. And then she has to start going,
“No, but what happened was, he used an amulet to save —
You´ll see at the end.” Like, she has to then tell the
whole story of the haunted — So instead of, like,
a fun haunted house with werewolves and ghosts,
it was, we walked in, and then adults just pitched
bad movie sequels to us. [ Laughter ] “I guess, uh…”
[ Applause ] And what really, really
bummed me out was, the first year I took Alice through the haunted house
at the school, I saw the scariest thing
I´ve ever seen by accident. Because, you know, again, you go down these halls
and stuff pops out. So I turn the last corner, and, you know, that´s where
you go, then the exit, this long hallway. And when I turn the corner,
at the end of — at the end of the hallway,
as I turn, a kindergartner had gotten lost. And the kindergartner
was wearing, like, an adult monster mask,
and on it´s tilted on his head. So it´s this giant head
and this little body, and he´s standing
under a red light bulb. So I turned the corner, and there´s just
this little like…thing, [ Laughter ]
like, at the end of this hall. Like, I —
I [bleep] my pants off. Like, that´s — Like, boom!
It was so… [ Applause ] I´ve never gotten over that.
It was so terrifying. -Well, I hope you have
a less terrifying Halloween. Always great to see you, buddy.


  1. So happy to see him doing so well, after his wife's untimely demise. A lovely man, and evidently, a doting father. <3

  2. "A kindergartener had gotten lost. And the kindergartener was wearing an adult monster mask" {thought bubble} Kindergarteners from "Recess"

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