Everything Wrong With Nancy Drew: Message
in a Haunted Mansion. Spoilers. Duh. 1. “Nancy investigates a series of mysterious
accidents” cliche. 2. Why does Nancy have a framed photo of Rose?
3. Nancy has her own designer label, but she still has Mom jeans.
4. Nancy’s journal clearly has a keyhole, but it doesn’t have a key.
5. Nancy’s journal is pretty much useless for solving the mystery.
6. Abby assumes Nancy already knows about the seance, without being told.
7. “She sounds busy.” No, she doesn’t. 8. “Nancy does everyone else’s chores” cliche.
9. I notice that Rose didn’t put HERSELF on the work schedule…
10. Rose has Nancy fly all the way out to California, just so Nancy can do three chores,
and that’s it. 11. “I don’t have anything for you to do right
now”. Rose has a list of chores right in front of her, but she can’t think of anything else
for Nancy to do. 12. Rose mispronounces “nook”.
13. Rose lectures you for a minute, then says “enough chit-chat”, like NANCY was the one
who’s talking too much. 14. I’ve seen bobbleheads with less wobbly
necks than Rose. 15. The tile puzzle.
16. “You’ll need to look around for a chisel or paint scraper for the job. I’m not sure
where Charlie keeps them.” Asking Charlie for help is not an option.
17. The insurance agent signs her name “Helen O’Leary, HL/cow”
18. Charlie’s shirt 19. “I’m repairing some floorboards”. Charlie
says he’s repairing floorboards, but the floor looks perfect everywhere in the house.
20. House has a lot of doors and rooms that we can’t enter.
21. The key to the attic is in the cash register in the basement. I don’t understand the logic
behind that. 22. Charlie’s screwdriver is unnecessary,
because you can use the paint scraper in its place.
23. Charlie’s dialogue indicates he works for Abby, but Abby’s dialogue indicates he
works for Rose 24. Nobody cares that Charlie is secretly
living in Rose’s basement. 25. Charlie is conveniently absent whenever
Nancy enters his basement hideout. 26. Charlie keeps a disk that has the outline
for his term paper, not the term paper itself. 27. All the old newspapers in the basement
are framed and protected, except this one. 28. Nancy is completely in shadow, despite
having two candles in front of her. 29. How did Abby play this tape during the
seance? The tape player in her bedroom is clearly too large to fit down here.
30. Abby operates her ghost trick machines at all times, even in the middle of the night
when she’s asleep. 31. It’s not explained how Abby made the wooden
phoenix move in the sitting room. 32. We have the phone record which proves
Valdez was the house’s original owner, but Rose and Louis both insist we have no idea
who the original owner is. 33. There appears to be no use for the chess
book, the non-alcoholic drink book or the mystery book in the attic.
34. Player is expected to tell the difference between three similar-looking keys.
35. The maze puzzle. 36. Solving the maze puzzle bypasses Louis’
computer security. Why does he even bother protecting his computer with a password, when
anyone can log into it, no problem? 37. Computer interface reused from previous
games. 38. You can’t use half the icons on the computer
screen. 39. “He said he’s had trouble with viruses
lately.” Really? His computer does, like three things. What is there for the virus to mess
up? 40. “I’m Louis Chandler”. Which sounds a lot
like chandelier! 41. This animation error.
42. Louis’ letterhead is a top hat, but Louis himself never wears a top hat at any point
in time. 43. “I’m here researching the library”. Nancy
knows Louis is here to research the library, yet she thinks it’s suspcious that he’s reading
books there. 44. “He’s hiding something in his briefcase!”
Nancy, you were watching him the whole time. You could clearly see it was a book.
45. “Aha! That’s it!”. Louis acts like this book is way more important than it actually
is. 46. Louis knows you snooped through his briefcase,
if you say you heard “gum bo fu” from a book. Because, obviously, there is only book in
the whole world which contains that phrase. 47. “That’s too bad, and to think you could’ve
saved the day. And helped out Rose!”. George thinks doing construction work is a higher
priority that hidden treasure. 48. “Nancy finds hidden treasure” cliche.
49. Nancy is mentioned in this newspaper article, which means Louis is keeping tabs on her.
The game glosses over this fact. 50. “Nancy! I’m ashamed of you. Everyone in
this house expects some degree of privacy”. Except Abby, who is spying on everyone with
secret cameras. 51. Is there a reason Abby hasn’t told Rose
the truth about the hauntings? As the co-owner who DOESN’T want this place to get shut down,
it’d be in her best interest to confess. 52. Player is expected to know who Emily Foxworth
is, even though she hasn’t been mentioned before and will never be mentioned again.
53. “You’re not in San Francisco, are you, my dear? Actually, I am.” Nancy emphasizes
the wrong word in this sentence. 54. Hannah Gruen will pretty much disappear
from the videogame series after this. Apparently, living with Nancy Drew doesn’t make you an
important person in her life. 55. The “k” in “knick-knacks is capitalized.
56. Then the capitlization disappears. 57. The comma after “hello” magically appears.
58. The comma in the last sentence disappears and reappears.
59. There shouldn’t be a comma after “named”. 60. “Doesn’t” is misspelled.
61. “Se�or” is misspelled. You know what? Forget the grammar issues. Let’s just say
the subtitles need proofreading and move on. 62. “Pax vobiscum”. Abby tries to show off
in Latin and fails, because “vobis” is second person plural. She meant to say “pax tecum”.
63. Dangerous chandelier rope is not kept out of the reach of children.
64. “Just don’t vandalize the next house you stay in, okay? Especially if it’s ours.” Bess
and George live in the same house now, apparently. 65. Nancy finds a hidden attic and no one
cares. 66. “The only way out breaks at the worst
possible time” cliche 67. I can’t read this.
68. “Seances were very popular during the Victorian era and I plan to entertain our
guests with them”. Maybe you could entertain them with a spa treatment. I call it “massage
in a haunted mansion”. 69. All the characters make plans to go to
the Winter Festival, and they don’t invite Nancy. Ungrateful jerks.
70. If Nancy looks at the fire, you get an automatic game over. The correct solution
is to get a fire extinguisher, before acknowledging that the fire exists. Talk about doing things
backwards. 71. The fire is a game over sequence, yet
it barely burns anything. 72. Nancy could have easily opened the door
here and learned who the culprit is. Why DID the culprit wait until Nancy was at the door?
It would have been a lot safer to put the note in the room while she was sleeping.
73. Nancy is so unphased by this threat, she doesn’t comment on it or talk to the characters
about it. 74. The only reason Nancy finds the safe is
because Rose had the tapestry cleaned. She solves the mystery through a lucky coincidence,
and not because she’s a good detective. 75. This puzzle. You’re forced to remember
all the symbols, which are scattered throughout the game.
76. Puzzle does not save your progress, when you back away. I can’t be the only person
who went back to the library to see what the phoenix picture looks like, only to learn
I had to re-solve the symbols puzzle. 77. Light doesn’t work like that.
78. Louis knocks Nancy out and says, “Too bad, no one will ever know.” Like Nancy will
magically forget everything when she comes to.
79. When Louis knocks Nancy out, her inventory disappears.
80. Closeup on Louis’ unmoving butt. 81. If you pause here, you’ll notice that
Louis isn’t actually holding any coins. He’s just pretending to move them into his bag.
82. Where did Louis’ bag come from? Doesn’t he have a suitcase?
83. It’d be a lot easier if he scooped up coins with his bag, instead of moving them
one by one. 84. The only way the staircase challenges
works is if Louis has the worst peripheral vision ever.
85. Nancy stands around and does nothing, while Louis runs away.
86. Louis hears when Nancy goes up the squeaky staircase, but he doesn’t hear the squeaks
coming from the chandelier. 87. Louis survives this, without any injuries.
88. Louis is firmly sitting on his legs, which are together. Now his legs are splayed.
89. Louis’ bag disappears when the chandelier falls.
90. You can see some gold coins in Louis’ bag here, but you’ll notice none of the coins
have been moved from their original position. 91. Manually dialing ten digit phone numbers.
Sorry. I meant to say that one earlier, but I forgot. 92. Louis wanted to buy the house, so he could
look for the treasure. He knows he could have looked for the treasure without buying the
house first, right? 93. Game’s ending forgets to resolve the subplot
about Charlie living in the basement. For all we know, he’s still living there. Total Errors: 93
Sentence: Chandelier dropped on your head. (Don’t worry, you’ll live through it with