Key & Peele – Retired Military Specialist

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[hinges creaking] – I WAS WONDERING WHEN
I WOULD COME IN HERE TO FIND YOU SITTING IN THAT CHAIR. – IT WASN’T EASY
TRACKING YOU DOWN, DECKER. – WASN’T SUPPOSED TO BE. – I KNOW YOU’VE RETIRED,
BUT– – THAT’S ALL BEHIND ME NOW,
GENERAL. I’M NOT THE MAN YOU KNEW
DURING THE COLD WAR. – I UNDERSTAND. WE’RE NOW FACING A THREAT UNLIKE
ANY WE’VE EVER FACED BEFORE. A MAN WITH YOUR EXPERTISE–
– I MADE A VOW. NEVER TO KILL
ANOTHER HUMAN BEING. SORRY, GENERAL, GONNA
HAVE TO FIND SOMEONE ELSE. – OH… NO, WE WEREN’T
THINKING YOU’D DO IT. WE WERE–[clears throat]
JUST HOPING YOU COULD RECOMMEND SOMEONE
FOR THE JOB. – I GUESS I COULD
COME OUT OF RETIREMENT. – NO. NO NEED.
JUST A RECOMMENDATION WILL DO. – ALL RIGHT. I’LL DO IT. – YOU KNOW, YOU’RE JUST
NOT WHAT WE’RE LOOKING FOR. – YOU SLY SON OF A BITCH. YOU ALWAYS KNEW
HOW TO PUSH MY BUTTONS. I’M IN. – NOT YOU, DECKER. – I’M SHARP AS I EVER WAS.
– [sighs] – EVEN FASTER TOO.
GRAB MY HAND. NOPE. WAIT TILL
I COUNT TO THREE FIRST. – REALLY? – ONE. TWO. THREE. OKAY. I WANT YOU TO TRY
AND SLAP ME IN THE FACE. UNH! WASN’T READY FOR THAT. TRY AGAIN. UNH! OKAY, YOU KNOW WHAT? – NOW WHAT?
– DIDN’T HAVE MY ADRENALINE UP. ‘CAUSE THIS IS NOT AN ACTUAL
HIGH-STAKES SITUATION. ALL RIGHT. DRAW YOUR WEAPON. AND…DISARMED.
[gun hammer clicks] YOU’RE GETTING PRETTY QUICK
AND DISARMED–OKAY. I DON’T NEED
TO TAKE YOUR WEAPON. YOU KNOW WHAT?
SHOOT ME. – I AM NOT
GOING TO SHOOT YOU. – WING ME IN THE SHOULDER.
– THIS IS RIDICULOUS! – TRY, GENERAL.
SEE WHAT HAPPENS. – [sighs] – DEFLECTED–OOOWW! – OKAY. I MADE
A MISTAKE COMING HERE. – WING ME IN THE OTHER SHOULDER.
– I’D RATHER NOT. – I INSIST. DEFLECTED–AAAHH! THAT WAS BECAUSE MY OTHER ARM
WAS ALREADY INJURED. – OKAY. I’M LEAVING.
– [grunting] ALL RIGHT. ALL OR NOTHING. GUT SHOT. – NO!
– GUT SHOT! COME ON! IF YOU CAN SHOOT ME IN THE GUT,
I’LL CONCEDE. – DECKER, YOU HAVE
TWO WOUNDED ARMS. – GUT SHOT! GO! – GOT IT.
[groans] – YOU–YOU CAUGHT THE BULLET? – OH, YEAH.
[groans] – SO YOU’RE TELLING ME
THAT THE BULLET IS IN BETWEEN
YOUR HANDS RIGHT NOW. – THAT’S WHAT
I’M TELLING YOU. – [sighs] [birds chirping] – IS THAT ALL YOU GOT? COME ON. HEAD SHOT. HEAD SHOT.
I’M READY. ONE SEC THOUGH.
[gunshot]

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