*cha-ching* BURNIE: Hello, and welcome to another episode of “Million Dollars, But . . . ” My name is Burnie Burns, and we have a very special “Founding Fathers” episode of “Million Dollars, But.” It’s almost reverential, in a way.
MATT: What? Well, joining us for the first time ever is our CEO, Matt Hullum, and our other founding father, Mr. Gus Sorola. So Gus, I know you have done the show before, but Matt, since you are new to the show . . .
MATT: Yes. . . . why don’t you start us off with your scenario? So you get a million dollars, but . . . MATT: every time somebody starts talking to you about the weather, you get a personal storm cloud over your head for the rest of the day. BURNIE: Like you’re in a cartoon.
MATT: Like in a cartoon. BURNIE: Four feet over my head . . .
MATT: It’s just up there, it’s just gonna affect you. BURNIE: So I’m at my desk with an umbrella, working away,
MATT: I think you could do that. BURNIE: I’m in my car with an umbrella . . . MATT: You know what you would do, you would just be the guy who wears that awful umbrella hat . . .
GUS: That’s exactly what I was thinking Matt. MATT: You would wear the umbrella hat everywhere you go. BURNIE: Well Gus, if you’re walking down the street wearing an umbrella hat, what’s the first thing that every jackass on the street is going to ask you? Ummm . . . GUS: “Hey . . . how ’bout that weather, huh?” I don’t know how to talk to humans. How–how do, how do humans do that?
(Burnie & Matt laugh) *tone* MATT: “How ’bout that weather and/or sports team, fellow human?”
(Gus laughs) *tone* BURNIE: *laughs* They’re gonna walk up and be like, “Heyy! Why ya wearin’ an umbrella hat? It’s such a nice day!” *thunderclap*
BURNIE: Then it starts raining on you. MATT: I would imagine, over time, your emotions would probably come to affect it. So it might start out as a, as a nice little drizzle, but the angrier you get,
*thunderclap* it’s going to get more intense.
BURNIE: More, more, more.
MATT: Yeah. (Gus laughs) There’s like, one or two scenarios where it would actually benefit you. MATT: I dunno, if you’re, like, out in the desert, and you’re lost . . .
BURNIE: Yeah! MATT: You just gotta call somebody on the phone, like, “Huh, I’m lost in the desert, but uh . . . ask me about the weather!” *thunderclap*
You know? It’s like, “Ahh, that’s refreshing!” So, million dollars, but every time somebody mentions weather to you, you get a personal storm cloud over your head. You in?
-Uh, absolutely. I’m doing it! I’ll take the money.
-I’m doing it too. *chime* A million dollars, but . . . BURNIE: for a year after you get the money, every month, for six hours at random, BURNIE: gravity has no effect on you.
Gravity just turns off. You’re outside, so as soon as you start floating away, you’re flying off into outer space. (Matt laughs)
GUS: That’s terrifying. BURNIE: I’d be worried I’d have to go everywhere with, like, an anchor. GUS: Just in case.
BURNIE: And just be tethered to it at all times. BURNIE: It could be pretty useful for you, though, because you’d, like, meet a stranger, they’re, like, talking too much to you, and you’re like, “How do I get out of this?” And it’s like, “Oh!”
GUS: “Welp! See ya!” BURNIE: (laughing) Just float off!
GUS: “Sorry! I got no control over it!” GUS: Seems like it would be terrifying to wake up, like, in the morning, and you’re, you know, on the ceiling. BURNIE: Then it stops, and you would drop to the floor.
(Gus and Matt laugh) MATT: You could just have a leash.
BURNIE: So if you go to, like, the Macy’s Day Parade, there’s kids there, they’re watching Spider-Man and Snoopy float by, then you guys come floating by. Some dad’s like, “Hey buddy, I think you got the wrong parade!” (Gus laughs)
MATT: “Nah, we’re in the right place.” So, a million dollars, but: for the year after you take the money, every month for six hours, at random, gravity has no effect on you. You taking the money?
-I wanna be in a parade. I’m gonna do it. I would absolutely do it.
-I–see, a million bucks, I could figure out a way to make that work. GUS & MATT: Yeah.
-I would do that.
*chime* Million dollars . . . GUS: but every time you see a purple car, you have to punch the person closest to you in the mouth. *punch*
BURNIE: Man. MATT: What if the person closest to you is Grandma? And she’s not doing so well?
*life support beeps, ventilator* (Burnie laughs)
GUS: “Sorry Grandma, purple car!” BURNIE: Full punch?
GUS: Full punch.
*heavy punch, life support tone* MATT: I mean, I kinda hope, like, you’re at a stop light, at least you could knock on the window of the person next to you. BURNIE: (laughing) “Hey, do you know which way to the doctor?” “What?”
(Gus and Matt laugh) *police siren*
MATT: What if you just got pulled over, for speeding.
BURNIE: Ohh. MATT: He says, “Ah, here you go, drive safely.” As he’s handing you the ticket you see a purple car go by, (laughing) (Burnie laughs)
GUS: You’re g–you’re going to jail! *punch*
MATT: Whammo! Right in his face. GUS: It’s also not only a person. Like, let’s say you’re watching a movie, there’s a purple car there.
BURNIE: “No!” BURNIE: So it’s like, if I go see a movie, and purple car shows up, *punch*
WHAM! And hit the person next to me. GUS: I would definitely go out of my way to start a purple car parade. And take one of you two to it.
BURNIE: (laughs) How dare you. GUS: What if you got into the street,
*punch* *screaming, occasional punch*
and you’re just punching each driver of each purple car, like, as they come by?
(Burnie and Matt laugh) MATT: (laughing) So wild. It would be a massacre. GUS: So. Million dollars, but any time you see a purple car, you gotta punch the person closest to you. Would you take the money? There’s no way I’d do this! I can’t do it.
GUS: I’ll do it. I’ll take it. I’ll take a million dollars. Well, Gus, Matt, thank you for joining me for this episode of, “Million Dollars, But . . . ” If you liked this episode, don’t forget to like and subscribe. And! Don’t forget to check out our card game, at mdbgame.com. How do you play the game?
-You just . . . It’s like this, with little square pieces of paper. Oh.
-Analog. I like it.
-Yeah. *outro music*