Burnie: Hey everybody and thank you for joining us for another episode of Million Dollars, But. Bernie: I have with me Mr Gavin Free. Gavin: Hello. Burnie: Mr Michael Jones. Micheal: Hello. Burnie: And I’m Burnie Burns. Burnie: And we have decided that this episode we’re gonna be using the “Million Dollars, but…” card game Burnie: That you all funded on Kickstarter in a minute and forty-two seconds. Burnie: Michael. Since you’re our very special guest, why don’t you start us off with your scenario? Michael: Aw thank you very much. Burnie: My pleasure. Michael: Million dollars… Gavin: That’s soo much money. Michael: But… Michael: Every time you hear a whistle… *Whistling.* Michael: You are tackled by a professional linebacker. Burnie: Are we talking professional, NFL level linebacker? Michael: Yeah. Burnie: Coming right at you? Michael: He’s bringing the pain. *Thud.* Burnie: *Shocked.* Oh Jesus. Burnie: Sotheproblem is you whistle for a taxi. Burnie: You get in the taxi as fast as you can. Burnie: “GOGOGOGO!” Burnie: The guy takes off, Burnie: but then you get to the airport, open the trunk, Burnie: Out pops the linebacker, and tackles you right there. *Michael laughing.* Burnie: That’s exactly how that would work. Burnie: Dude, you could use this to your advantage, though. Think about it. Burnie: Gavin, you have a lovely girlfriend. Gavin: Yup. Burnie: You’re walking on the road.
Gavin: Outside. Burnie: Some big bikers, *wolf-whistle* like, whistles at her. Burnie: You know a linebacker’s coming. Burnie: So, all you have to do is get as close to that guy as possible, *linebacker screaming* Burnie: linebacker takes you both out. Gavin: It’s true. Gavin: You’ll hear it where you, where you don’t expect it so you’re like, chilling by the pool. Gavin: some arsehole kid is running and the lifeguard like, *Whistle blows* *Burnie groans in pain.* Gavin: So you’re tackled into a swimming pool. Burnie: Million Dollars, but everytime you hear a whistle you get tackled by a professional linebacker. Burnie: I’m not doing it! Gavin: Nup.
Burnie: I can’t do that one. Burnie: I can’t do it.
Gavin: I’m not doing it. *Ting* Gavin: Million dollars, but… Gavin: Every time someone says your name, you have to start a riot. Burnie: *Disbelief.* A riot?! Gavin: *Also in disbelief.* Yeah. Burnie: So is it like, I’m walking on the city street Burnie: someone says, “Hey, Burnie!” and I’m like, “Fuck…” Burnie: and I like, open my trench coat, just immediately like, light a molotov cocktail… Burnie: chuck it… *Smash.* Burnie: then start screaming.. get the cops out. It’s like, basically you gotta try hit five stars in GTA. Michael: Yeah.
Burnie: Right? Burnie: There’s gotta be, something like, the five closest people to you are in on it. Burnie: Like you’re at Starbucks sitting there, on your phone. They put the coffee down and they’re like, Burnie: “Burnie, cappuccino?” Burnie: the old lady next to you is like, Burnie: “Fuck, it’s on!” Burnie: *trying to hold back laughter* and, she, baby in a stroller, with a picket sign. Gavin: Oh! What if I got knighted? Gavin: and the Queen said my name? Michael and Gavin overlapping: DUDE! If the Queen s-said, already right next to me. Michael: she’d already have the Michael and Gavin: SWORD! Gavin: She’d fight from it. Queen: “I’ll kill a bitch!” Michael: And then she like stabs a guy Michael: that’s awesome.
Gavin: *Holding back laughter.* She starts sticking members of the press. Burnie: She’s fuckin’ goes, *Incoherent words and laughter.* Burnie: She takes the sword of your shoulder and she’s like, “It’s go time!” *Michael laughing like a maniac.* Gavin: This scenario sucks, for *Michael snickers.* Gavin: us. Gavin: People are gonna be like, walking down the street, “Michael?” Gavin: “Is that you from Rooster teeth?”
*Michael throws cup down angrily.” Gavin: the selfie is like, him in a choak hold.
“Take it, take it.” Burnie: In the back of every selfie that you take there’s tear gas coming in, hot from the cops. Gavin: E-every, one tweet in later, “I just met Michael, then we got black eyes and stuff.” Burnie: “Best day ever!” Gavin: “Best day ever!” Gavin: I would… Deefinitely not do this one. Gavin: Hundred percent no. Burnie: Hundred percent, I would not do it either. Micheal: I think I’d try it. *Ting.* Burnie: Here’s mine. Gavin: Hit us. Burnie: A million dollars, *Gavin says something positive.* but… Burnie: Every time you kiss someone, you must pick a fight with a child, and lose. Gavin: Urgh, you would just never want to kiss someone would ya? Gavin: How would you define losing the fight to a child?
Burnie: *Sighing.* I dunno… Gavin: Like you can’t, you get knocked out? To everyone else standing around you, including obviously the person that you’ve kissed, Burnie: it has to look like this kid is just whaling on you, like, Michael: I think Burnie: you got sell this thing too. You’ve gotta beg,
Michael: you cry. like cry. You’re a mess, you gotta be like, “Please just, please stop.” *Gavin fake sobbing.* *Gavin choking.*
Micheal: D’you piss your pants a little bit? Burnie: The good news is, there’s no second kiss coming, Burnie: and you’re this wheepy mess with an eight year old who’s on top of you, in the full mount going. *Slap, slap, slap, slap, slap.* *Slap, slap.* Micheal: Yeah, then you just cut to the person you’ve kissed and they’re like, Micheal: “What happened?” Micheal: Well I went out with this guy, and he seemed really nice but I.. Micheal: kissed him, and this kid beat the shit out of him, and he tapped out like a bitch. Burnie: You know that kid would go to the playground the next day though. Burnie: And he be like, all the other kids he goes, “It’s all a fucking ruse.” Burnie: “These, they’re weak as shit, we can beat the crap out of them. I did it yesterday!” Gavin: And then kids take over the world. Burnie: No, they try to and the, the principal’s just whaling the shit out of them. *Everyone laughing.* Gavin: He’s like holding them all at arms length. *Punch, punch. Punch, punch.* Burnie: Principle’s like, “This is the best day ever!” Gavin: Yeah well. Burnie: “I’ve been dreaming about this!” Gavin: *faintly* self-defense. *Everyone laughing.* Gavin: Kissing nice. I don’t wanna do it. I don’t want to do that. Gavin: I wanna enjoy.. Burnie: Not taking the money! Michael: Yeah… I think I have to agree with Gavin. Burnie: Yeah, I think I’m taking take this one. I would take the money. Michael: Yeah? Burnie: Yeah. Burnie: Thanks everybody for watching this episode of “Million dollars, but…” It looks like Michael and I Burnie: are a million dollars richer. And Gavin you got nothing! Gavin: Drinks on you guys. Burnie: Alright, well if you enjoyed this episode of “Million dollars, but..” don’t forget to like this video Burnie: and subscribe to this channel. Burnie: Thanks everybody. #Butstuff. *Cork pops followed by ting sound.* Zach: Everytime you fart… *Fart noise.* Josh: Spontaneously, *fanfare* an entire parade shows up, celebrating your fart. Josh: *Alarms blaring.* You need to disappear into a crowd. So you just, *farts* yeah. Chris: And you do the robbery wearing like a band outfit.