Million Dollars, But… Hunted by Linebackers | Rooster Teeth

Million Dollars, But… Hunted by Linebackers | Rooster Teeth

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Burnie: Hey everybody and thank you for joining us for another episode of Million Dollars, But. Bernie: I have with me Mr Gavin Free. Gavin: Hello. Burnie: Mr Michael Jones. Micheal: Hello. Burnie: And I’m Burnie Burns. Burnie: And we have decided that this episode we’re gonna be using the “Million Dollars, but…” card game Burnie: That you all funded on Kickstarter in a minute and forty-two seconds. Burnie: Michael. Since you’re our very special guest, why don’t you start us off with your scenario? Michael: Aw thank you very much. Burnie: My pleasure. Michael: Million dollars… Gavin: That’s soo much money. Michael: But… Michael: Every time you hear a whistle… *Whistling.* Michael: You are tackled by a professional linebacker. Burnie: Are we talking professional, NFL level linebacker? Michael: Yeah. Burnie: Coming right at you? Michael: He’s bringing the pain. *Thud.* Burnie: *Shocked.* Oh Jesus. Burnie: Sotheproblem is you whistle for a taxi. Burnie: You get in the taxi as fast as you can. Burnie: “GOGOGOGO!” Burnie: The guy takes off, Burnie: but then you get to the airport, open the trunk, Burnie: Out pops the linebacker, and tackles you right there. *Michael laughing.* Burnie: That’s exactly how that would work. Burnie: Dude, you could use this to your advantage, though. Think about it. Burnie: Gavin, you have a lovely girlfriend. Gavin: Yup. Burnie: You’re walking on the road.
Gavin: Outside. Burnie: Some big bikers, *wolf-whistle* like, whistles at her. Burnie: You know a linebacker’s coming. Burnie: So, all you have to do is get as close to that guy as possible, *linebacker screaming* Burnie: linebacker takes you both out. Gavin: It’s true. Gavin: You’ll hear it where you, where you don’t expect it so you’re like, chilling by the pool. Gavin: some arsehole kid is running and the lifeguard like, *Whistle blows* *Burnie groans in pain.* Gavin: So you’re tackled into a swimming pool. Burnie: Million Dollars, but everytime you hear a whistle you get tackled by a professional linebacker. Burnie: I’m not doing it! Gavin: Nup.
Burnie: I can’t do that one. Burnie: I can’t do it.
Gavin: I’m not doing it. *Ting* Gavin: Million dollars, but… Gavin: Every time someone says your name, you have to start a riot. Burnie: *Disbelief.* A riot?! Gavin: *Also in disbelief.* Yeah. Burnie: So is it like, I’m walking on the city street Burnie: someone says, “Hey, Burnie!” and I’m like, “Fuck…” Burnie: and I like, open my trench coat, just immediately like, light a molotov cocktail… Burnie: chuck it… *Smash.* Burnie: then start screaming.. get the cops out. It’s like, basically you gotta try hit five stars in GTA. Michael: Yeah.
Burnie: Right? Burnie: There’s gotta be, something like, the five closest people to you are in on it. Burnie: Like you’re at Starbucks sitting there, on your phone. They put the coffee down and they’re like, Burnie: “Burnie, cappuccino?” Burnie: the old lady next to you is like, Burnie: “Fuck, it’s on!” Burnie: *trying to hold back laughter* and, she, baby in a stroller, with a picket sign. Gavin: Oh! What if I got knighted? Gavin: and the Queen said my name? Michael and Gavin overlapping: DUDE! If the Queen s-said, already right next to me. Michael: she’d already have the Michael and Gavin: SWORD! Gavin: She’d fight from it. Queen: “I’ll kill a bitch!” Michael: And then she like stabs a guy Michael: that’s awesome.
Gavin: *Holding back laughter.* She starts sticking members of the press. Burnie: She’s fuckin’ goes, *Incoherent words and laughter.* Burnie: She takes the sword of your shoulder and she’s like, “It’s go time!” *Michael laughing like a maniac.* Gavin: This scenario sucks, for *Michael snickers.* Gavin: us. Gavin: People are gonna be like, walking down the street, “Michael?” Gavin: “Is that you from Rooster teeth?”
*Michael throws cup down angrily.” Gavin: the selfie is like, him in a choak hold.
“Take it, take it.” Burnie: In the back of every selfie that you take there’s tear gas coming in, hot from the cops. Gavin: E-every, one tweet in later, “I just met Michael, then we got black eyes and stuff.” Burnie: “Best day ever!” Gavin: “Best day ever!” Gavin: I would… Deefinitely not do this one. Gavin: Hundred percent no. Burnie: Hundred percent, I would not do it either. Micheal: I think I’d try it. *Ting.* Burnie: Here’s mine. Gavin: Hit us. Burnie: A million dollars, *Gavin says something positive.* but… Burnie: Every time you kiss someone, you must pick a fight with a child, and lose. Gavin: Urgh, you would just never want to kiss someone would ya? Gavin: How would you define losing the fight to a child?
Burnie: *Sighing.* I dunno… Gavin: Like you can’t, you get knocked out? To everyone else standing around you, including obviously the person that you’ve kissed, Burnie: it has to look like this kid is just whaling on you, like, Michael: I think Burnie: you got sell this thing too. You’ve gotta beg,
Michael: you cry. like cry. You’re a mess, you gotta be like, “Please just, please stop.” *Gavin fake sobbing.* *Gavin choking.*
Micheal: D’you piss your pants a little bit? Burnie: The good news is, there’s no second kiss coming, Burnie: and you’re this wheepy mess with an eight year old who’s on top of you, in the full mount going. *Slap, slap, slap, slap, slap.* *Slap, slap.* Micheal: Yeah, then you just cut to the person you’ve kissed and they’re like, Micheal: “What happened?” Micheal: Well I went out with this guy, and he seemed really nice but I.. Micheal: kissed him, and this kid beat the shit out of him, and he tapped out like a bitch. Burnie: You know that kid would go to the playground the next day though. Burnie: And he be like, all the other kids he goes, “It’s all a fucking ruse.” Burnie: “These, they’re weak as shit, we can beat the crap out of them. I did it yesterday!” Gavin: And then kids take over the world. Burnie: No, they try to and the, the principal’s just whaling the shit out of them. *Everyone laughing.* Gavin: He’s like holding them all at arms length. *Punch, punch. Punch, punch.* Burnie: Principle’s like, “This is the best day ever!” Gavin: Yeah well. Burnie: “I’ve been dreaming about this!” Gavin: *faintly* self-defense. *Everyone laughing.* Gavin: Kissing nice. I don’t wanna do it. I don’t want to do that. Gavin: I wanna enjoy.. Burnie: Not taking the money! Michael: Yeah… I think I have to agree with Gavin. Burnie: Yeah, I think I’m taking take this one. I would take the money. Michael: Yeah? Burnie: Yeah. Burnie: Thanks everybody for watching this episode of “Million dollars, but…” It looks like Michael and I Burnie: are a million dollars richer. And Gavin you got nothing! Gavin: Drinks on you guys. Burnie: Alright, well if you enjoyed this episode of “Million dollars, but..” don’t forget to like this video Burnie: and subscribe to this channel. Burnie: Thanks everybody. #Butstuff. *Cork pops followed by ting sound.* Zach: Everytime you fart… *Fart noise.* Josh: Spontaneously, *fanfare* an entire parade shows up, celebrating your fart. Josh: *Alarms blaring.* You need to disappear into a crowd. So you just, *farts* yeah. Chris: And you do the robbery wearing like a band outfit.


  1. I think what they meant by riot is getting everyone to scream your name like.. "Kira! Kira! Kira!"
    Cuz their kind of riot was DEFINITELY hard to pull off. Not even with a Million Dollars.

  2. Is the linebacker nameless or can you get some million dollar signatures after they tackle you? I might be able to get with that.

  3. I feel like I'm playing a crummy version of the game right now. I get to binge watch a funny series, but they're only 4 min long and I have to watch a 30 sec crappy trailer for the mummy every…time…a…new…video…starts.

  4. Am I the only one who for some reason gets a little bit annoyed when I see the Grenadier at 2:08 using an M4 not an L85a2

  5. Ohh yeahh. I haven't seen an MDB in like 12 months (fell behind). The first 2 are definite no's for me, the 3rd one doesn't seem as bad. Just don't have a girlfriend and I'm set lol

  6. at 0:52 does Gavin say on the side as in at when this was recorded he considered Meg a Side Chick? or did I miss hear that, or is he saying that jokingly

  7. This kind of seems like a bad card game all three of the scenarios were too bad to get anyone to take the million dollars

  8. You know what would be funny on that riot scenario what if the 5 people nearest to you are cops do they join in the riot too?

  9. I’m trying so hard to find the episode where someone commented something along the lines of “a million dollars, but once a day every day, Burnie appears behind you and whispers ‘that’s a lot of money’

  10. For the riot one what if your in a nursery and a nurse say your name will the baby’s become apart of the riot?

  11. Imagine this one day your casually watching football and then somebody in your house whistles and you just see the linebacker in the game start running out of the stadium and a minute later he tackles you

  12. I would take that first scenario in a heartbeat.

    I would love to get the chance to test my abilities over time.

    After a year or so, that linebacker would wind up running the other direction, because I've got this down, now.

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