Real Scary Stories w/ Bill Hader and Cara Delevingne

Real Scary Stories w/ Bill Hader and Cara Delevingne

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-It sure is
spooky out here tonight. When I’m spooked,
what makes me feel better is telling scary stories. -I got a really scary story. Do you know the one about
the man with the hooked hands? -No, no,
not those kinds of stories. Real scary stories. -How real are we talking? Like, real-real or
real-real-real? -Real-real-real. I’ll go first. This one will send shivers down
the curvature of your spine. Years back, there was an
old barn up on the hill, and there was a wedding
in that barn. And I was invited as a plus-one. I didn’t know
a single soul there. [ Both gasp ]
That’s not even the worst part. The worst part was… they weren’t serving alcohol! [ Screaming ] I had to talk to people, yeah.
Who does that? -I peed a little in my pants. -Okay, all right.
Yeah, all right. Yeah. Sorry.
-But I have an even scarier one. -What? -This one will chill you
to the bone. It was my birthday. A guy at work said,
“Hey, happy birthday.” -And then? -I said, “Thanks. You too.” [ Screaming ] -That’s a soc… That’s a social faux pas.
-It’s true. A so-faux pas.
-Yeah. -Okay, you think
those are scary? Okay.
I was once on a date with a guy. I know. Weird, right? He seemed normal, you know? But out of nowhere,
he said something that will haunt me
until the day of die. -No. -Yeah, I can sometimes
hear it at night. -What’d he say? -He said… “I hope you like vape tricks.” -Oh, my gosh.
-I have… -Oh, my gosh.
-…chills. -Oh, my gosh. -And then he did vape tricks. -No, no! Oh, my God. With the rings and —
Yeah, and — I’ve seen them. Oh, no. Oh, gosh!
-Terrifying. -That is so scary.
-So bad. -I can do you one worse. Last year, I had gingivitis. [ Screaming ] -That’s not the scary part.
-Ah! -Anyway, I went for
a checkup recently, and the dentist said,
“Looking good. I can tell
you’ve been flossing.” And I looked right at her
and I said — -No, don’t say it!
I can’t… -I said, “You too.”
I did it again. I did it again.
-Similar — -Similar scary.
-Similar scary stories. -It was the double scare.
-Wow. This one I have for you
is so scary, the only person I ever
told it to was my therapist. After that, she quit the biz and became a judge on
“Dancing with the Stars.” Anyway, one day… I was walking down the street. And, so,
I saw someone waving at me. So I waved back. Then I realized, he was actually
waving to someone behind me, so I pretended to be
directing traffic. I stayed and directed traffic
for three hours. And I’ve gone back there to
direct traffic every day since just to
keep up the charade! -No!
-I did. -No! That’s nothing. My skin’s a-tinglin’ just
thinking about this spooky tale. Settle in.
-I’m settled. -The other day, I coughed,
but it sounded like a sneeze. -Whoa! -So someone turned to me and
said, “Bless you.” Then I turned to them
and I said — -Let me guess.
You said, “You too.” -No.
I said, “Oil me up, daddy. It’s dinnertime,
and I’m a little soup boy. Chompa, chompa.” [ Screaming ] -Hey, is there something
we can do for you? -You guys want to see
a bunch of sunset pictures I took on my phone? [ Screaming ]


  1. Cara could be in my house with a giant knife telling me that she's going to kill me and wear my skin and I would still be turned on.
    She's just lovely.

  2. I once got into my parent's car and said: "hi mom!" and after the lady looked back at me, I realized, she was not my mother and it was not my parent's car, it just looked like it.

  3. One time I was watching a Real Scary Stories video on youtube and struggling to come up with a good comment………and…………I never thought of any!

  4. One time after my first day at a new job I was walking to my car and another lady from my training class walked up to me and said “I’m going to go home and get naked and get on the toilet.” I said…. :0 I never saw her again.

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