-It sure is
spooky out here tonight. When I’m spooked,
what makes me feel better is telling scary stories. -I got a really scary story. Do you know the one about
the man with the hooked hands? -No, no,
not those kinds of stories. Real scary stories. -How real are we talking? Like, real-real or
real-real-real? -Real-real-real. I’ll go first. This one will send shivers down
the curvature of your spine. Years back, there was an
old barn up on the hill, and there was a wedding
in that barn. And I was invited as a plus-one. I didn’t know
a single soul there. [ Both gasp ]
That’s not even the worst part. The worst part was… they weren’t serving alcohol! [ Screaming ] I had to talk to people, yeah.
Who does that? -I peed a little in my pants. -Okay, all right.
Yeah, all right. Yeah. Sorry.
-But I have an even scarier one. -What? -This one will chill you
to the bone. It was my birthday. A guy at work said,
“Hey, happy birthday.” -And then? -I said, “Thanks. You too.” [ Screaming ] -That’s a soc… That’s a social faux pas.
-It’s true. A so-faux pas.
-Yeah. -Okay, you think
those are scary? Okay.
I was once on a date with a guy. I know. Weird, right? He seemed normal, you know? But out of nowhere,
he said something that will haunt me
until the day of die. -No. -Yeah, I can sometimes
hear it at night. -What’d he say? -He said… “I hope you like vape tricks.” -Oh, my gosh.
-I have… -Oh, my gosh.
-…chills. -Oh, my gosh. -And then he did vape tricks. -No, no! Oh, my God. With the rings and —
Yeah, and — I’ve seen them. Oh, no. Oh, gosh!
-Terrifying. -That is so scary.
-So bad. -I can do you one worse. Last year, I had gingivitis. [ Screaming ] -That’s not the scary part.
-Ah! -Anyway, I went for
a checkup recently, and the dentist said,
“Looking good. I can tell
you’ve been flossing.” And I looked right at her
and I said — -No, don’t say it!
I can’t… -I said, “You too.”
I did it again. I did it again.
-Similar — -Similar scary.
-Similar scary stories. -It was the double scare.
-Wow. This one I have for you
is so scary, the only person I ever
told it to was my therapist. After that, she quit the biz and became a judge on
“Dancing with the Stars.” Anyway, one day… I was walking down the street. And, so,
I saw someone waving at me. So I waved back. Then I realized, he was actually
waving to someone behind me, so I pretended to be
directing traffic. I stayed and directed traffic
for three hours. And I’ve gone back there to
direct traffic every day since just to
keep up the charade! -No!
-I did. -No! That’s nothing. My skin’s a-tinglin’ just
thinking about this spooky tale. Settle in.
-I’m settled. -The other day, I coughed,
but it sounded like a sneeze. -Whoa! -So someone turned to me and
said, “Bless you.” Then I turned to them
and I said — -Let me guess.
You said, “You too.” -No.
I said, “Oil me up, daddy. It’s dinnertime,
and I’m a little soup boy. Chompa, chompa.” [ Screaming ] -Hey, is there something
we can do for you? -You guys want to see
a bunch of sunset pictures I took on my phone? [ Screaming ]