(foreboding music) (scary music)
– [Raphael] Wow! This place is great! How can we afford this? – We got a really good deal on
it because of all the murders and the maddening psychic energy exuded by the house itself. – The what? – Anyway, I’m sure you guys
are excited to get to writing, just like I am, so I’ll leave you to it! (suspenseful music) (footsteps) (suspenseful music) – You guys wanna look for
some local ass on Tinder? – Yes, of course I would. I would enjoy that. (upbeat hip hop music)
(sighing) Let’s get to work. – Yeah! Oooh. Yeah. All these people are right here? (laugh) The murdered wife of Delbert Grady? – Room 237 is only point one miles away. – Hot. – That’s scary. – Scary fuckable. We’re a hot commodity to these people. This woman looks like she
hasn’t been out of the bathtub in years. – Ooh, girl who watched her twin sister get murdered by an ax and
was then murdered by an ax. Yes.
– Split her in two. – A clown who got electrocuted
during a children’s birthday party. Yes. (scary music)
And Brad. He’s the bassist in a
Christian reggae band called We Don’t Need No Crystal Ball. – Oh my God. – I know. Brad was still wearing his class ring. There’s some dark shit out there. – No, not that! All those horrible dead people! Aren’t you guys listening
to what you’re saying? – Alright fine, Raph, here. Guest swipe. (ominous music) – Elevator full of blood. – Ohh. – Uh-oh. – A vegetarian who was
eaten by a horny cow. – Hot. – An Irish nanny who died chasing a ball. – Nice! – No to everyone! – What!? Raph, you maniac. – Yeah, those were all guaranteed matches. – So all those people live in this house? No thank you. – Ugh, monster. – Yeah! See, they’re gross. – No, no! This girl only has group shots. – I don’t know which one of them is which, they’re playing a fucking game with us. – Yeah.
– What’s up guys? Tindering for locals? – Ha.
– Yeah. – Hell yeah. – I’m not sure that we’re safe here. – You might be right, Raph. Jake is the manager of an
Auntie Anne’s Pretzel stand in the mall, nope!
– No. And Megan is a Pyramid
Herbal representative, ughhh. – Stop, I’m getting freaked out. – Those people, no,
those people sound fine! At least they’re not
literally decomposing. – No, don’t you understand, Raph? We could have been these people. – Yeah, seriously, it’s like
looking in a freaky mirror and I’m wearing an Uncle Kracker T-shirt. – Randy collects swords and
brews his own energy drink called Lock n’ Load. – Ugh.
(harsh violin strings) Okay, we have to stop. I’m getting too freaked out. – I’m having some luck on mine. A screaming head. – Oh oh. – A woman with no mouth. – Ooh.
– Aah. – And an ever expanding tub
of humanoid goo, all matches. – Jealous.
– Yeah. – Aah, we got a message back! – Hey! – Ooh, that flirt! – Gah!
(slam) (slam) – Where you going? – I’m gonna go meet one
of those normal people. – Hey, must be the money! (laugh) Just kidding. Must be the Megan! Anyway, I brought some literature
about a health sensation that’s sweeping the nation. Pyramid Herbal! (loud screaming) (screaming continues) – Aah! – Just get three friends and
then they get three friends and they get 64 friends. (swish) (ring) – Hello. – Hi, 911? I’m calling about a group of my employees that are in a rental up by
you for a writing retreat. – Okay, sir. How can I help you? – Well, I haven’t been
able to get through to them and I’m worried something
terrible may have happened. They’re all very, very dumb. – Well, we’d be more than
happy to head on over, check it out for ya. (suspenseful music) – No, that’s okay. I’ll do it myself. – Really? Are you in the area? – No. No, I’m very far away, in fact. Very, very far away. – Why did you even bother calling? Hello? (phone receiver clicks) (ominous music) – So dumb. (swoosh) – Hey, what’s up? It’s Allie from College Humor. Click here to subscribe. Click here to see some more cool stuff. And if you want to see
a hot babe in the city, click here. (relaxed, down tempo drum beat) I made that. This is what I like.