[terrifying garbled noises] “The Strangers” is terrible, and it’s not even funny.
I don’t even wanna review this movie. I mentioned it once in one of my other reviews, so I guess I have too. You guys are fucking annoying. (I love you) Maybe I could have been
working on a different review. After all, I still need to review thi- [more garbled noises] [movie announcer voice] What you are about to see is inspired by
true events. [YMS] There is your first problem. What do you even mean by
“inspired by true events”? What so two people were found dead
somewhere? That happens all the time. [movie announcer voice] The brutal events that took place there are still not entirely known. [YMS] Spoiler alert: They die at the end.
But they just find the bodies, so there’s noone to actually tell the story of what happened. In other words, this entire movie was made up,
none of this is true. It’s just bullshit [Liv Tyler] That was almost too real because it said a
real real movie and I remember that putting me over the edge
like there is something to real about that [YMS] Fuck your selling points.
So there’s this couple and they’re really sad and it’s implied that
he tried to propose to her, but instead she said NO GOD NO GOD PLEASE NO NO NO… NOOOO- (?) Now I won’t get my dick wet. I prepared this
secluded location and everything, where noone can hear you scream. Oh my god that water is disgusting, but
she’s gonna take a bath in it anyway. The worst part about this movie is that
nothing happens the entire time. They purposely don’t develop any other
characters but it’s intentional, so that’s art. If you’re gonna have a movie with
extremely underdeveloped characters then don’t try to make it emotional. How am I supposed to feel bad for anything that’s
happening when we don’t even understand the weight of the circumstance? For all I know
they can just be bummed out because she had diarrhea while they were doing anal. They gulp down some liquid confidence and
things start getting a little hot heavy when suddenly- [shower guy] Oh my god, there’s a bang
at the door [James] What is it, like 4 in the morning?
[YMS] Yeah, show the clock. Couldn’t have just left it at the sentence or maybe even established it earlier.
Now this part is extra scary cause it’s really late at night.
[dark female figure] Is Tamera here? [James] No, you’ve got the wrong house.
[dark female figure] See you later. [YMS] OooOoooOooh
Foreshadowing. So this bitch runs out of smokes and he’s like
“I’m so nice I will get you some”. Or maybe he just wants her to die quicker.
Either way it shows that they’re not stuck there. They both came to this place even though they
clearly weren’t in the right mood. He didn’t drop her off at her house after
that thing or what. “Now we won’t enjoy ourselves, but let’s just do it anyway”. So he leaves and she does
jack shit. “Might as well try on the ring he gave me, I like jewellery.” This entire time she’s listening to Joanna
Newsom on vinyl. Oh I know why she doesn’t wanna marry
him, it’s because she’s a hipster lesbian [BANG]
[shower guy] Oh my god, there’s a bang at the door. [woman’s voice] Is Tamera home? [Kristen] You already came by here
[woman’s voice] Are you sure? [YMS] Oh man, that sure was eerie. Then smoke starts coming out of her fireplace.
Wouldn’t it be obvious that something was blocking it from the top considering the fire has been going for a
while and it hasn’t filled the house with smoke already? “I’ll just open the chute and try to go for
the fire alarm” [BANG]
[shower guy] Oh my god, there’s a bang at the door. [YMS] I guess the fire fucking fixed itself.
She gets scared and calls him and has the most under acted concern in the world.
[Kristen] That girl came back [YMS] Hey you still have a smoke left you cunt!
“Oh man, the land line’s not working and my cell phone is still charging.” This is exactly why the “Oh my cell phone isn’t
working” cliche exists in horror movies. Ever since cell phones were invented people weren’t in any real danger. [Various people upset about their phones not working] “Call 911!”
“Come on, come on, GOD DAMN IT. FUCK [Bryan Bertino] To me was really important to strip away what I kinda feel are some of the` genre cliches that have kinda built up. I mean I think horror goes in
cycles, and horror goes in waves and and soon all the films look the same and all the vibes the same.
[YMS] “Yeah, I’ll just stand in my kitchen. Oh man, there’s a dude in a mask. How’d he get there?
Too bad I don’t notice”. This, ladies and gentlemen, is the
entire fucking movie. “Now I’m here, now I’m not”. They totally moved when it
was off-camera where they go? That’s so scary. “I’m just
gonna make noises around your house, and make it really obvious that if I wanted to
kill you, I have the upper hand, but I’m not gonna
do jack shit about this cuz I’m just gonna troll you this entire time”. [BANG] [shower guy] Oh my god there’s a bang at the door.
[YMS] Do you get it? It’s repetative, so I’m being repetative haaaa Aand jump scare. Well that’s not a horror cliche. [BANG BANG]
[shower guy] Oh my god, there’s a bang at the door. [YMS] Wait a minute, that’s totally Gillian
Welch vinyl that’s getting right now She is a lesbian hipster. This looks less
like a scared face a more like a pouty face “Oh it’s just you.” She’s all like there’s
somebody in the house, and he’s like “chill, I got this.” They look around and find her cell phone
in the fire. The director then continues to scare the masses by showing someone
just standing and not doing fucking anything. [James] Shit, I left my phone in the car
I’m gonna go get it. [Kristen] You can’t go out there. [James] Why? [Kristen] One of them came in here and took my phone.
[James] Kristen, nobody came in here. [YMS] OH MAN, they disappeared when they weren’t
looking that means they could be anywhere. Seriously what do you mean when
you say no one came in here? Why are you so certain? Did you not see
the cell phone in the fireplace? I mean you’re going to get them back up
phone right? So you must know that that the fuc- what the hell? so he goes to the car to
get the phone and oh my god another thing happened off camera [yawning]
I’m yawning thinking of this fucking boring movie. He
looks around for his phone and oh my god. Jump scare, and they’re suddenly gone, wow two cliches in one. Who the fuck did that? No please this is torture, not only
are they not moving, but they’re not saying anything either. Noooo I should have kept my eyes on you the whole time. By the way the forces they’re
dealing with here are not supernatural. This means that as soon
as the camera isn’t looking they’re actually running to find a spot to hide. “Ooooh they’ll never see us this way”.
Aaand jump scare. Wow you’re really breaking the rules of
conventional horror with this movie. [Kristen] I told you they took my phone. James it’s not
in the bag, I plugged it into the wall and when I came back it was gone.
[James] I don’t understand, I checked the whole house. [YMS] What? Neither them saw the phone then?
So even though you had a shot on them walking into a room and looking at the fireplace with the phone and it, they
just didn’t see it? Yeah they didn’t really react to it, but
look how calmly they react to the next phone being destroyed. [Kristen] What is it?
[James] My phone… We gotta get out of here. [YMS] They try to leave when I guess these
guys really do mean business. Kind of. I mean like they’re surrounding the
car so if they wanted them dead, they could probably just kill them already. You know,
stab them as they’re getting out the doors, but no, they just wanna fuck with them and
destroy their property. So why am I supposed to be scared? [bald guy] Scariest movie I’ve ever seen!
I was wreck after this movie. I got to my car, I couldn’t drive. I called my friend Bonnie in
Toronto and I said I don’t think I can drive. then I called my friend Isabel in Montreal. Clearly I have to call
people out of the country because I’m too embarrassed to tell everybody how scary this movie is.
[Scott] Are you Canadian? [YMS] The characters decide they’re better off
if they grab a gun. [James] How do you use this thing? [Kristen] What do you mean?
[Jmaes] I’m not sure I even know how to load it. [Kristen] You said you used to hunt with your dad.
[James] No, I never did. That was just something I said. [YMS] Whatta dick.
[James] Open the door, and I just want you to run, okay? [YMS] Oh no, they’re trying to get inside. we
gotta barricade the door because obviously if the door that they’d get through if they wanted to, not like they’ve been in the house
even though that door was locked before. they decide the best course of action is
to sit the closet with a gun pointed outward and just shoot whatever the fuck comes by which is actually one of
the more rational plans I’ve seen in a horror movie. It would have been a good plan too,
except their random friend we’ve never seen before shows up. As per usual this dude’s creepin’ in the background
pretending like he’s gonna do something maybe but not really. If the characters don’t even see them, then
who are they trolling? Well fuck. And then they play it off
all emotional, like we’re supposed to care if some “Randy” just died. Oh, so did they plan this out like they’re fucking psychics,
or did they just run over there really fast when they heard the gunshot got some lipstick and are just giggling
like “hehehe wait until he sees this”. He decides that hiding in the closet
isn’t the best way to live. Maybe he’s expecting more people to just show
up like that. He runs into the woods with the gun by myself. Then he gets trolled
outta nowhere. So now she’s by herself and I guess the
sequence of events are boring her as much as it’s boring me, because she
impulsively decides to make a run for it. How’d that work out for yah? So now she’s crawling and she doesn’t even
notice behind her oh my God look out! What the fuck? What was the point of
walking behind her like that? Were you trying to troll her? Cuz she didn’t even
see you, you left before she saw you. It’s stupid scares like these that take all
the realism away. [Bryan Bertino] To me it was about trying to ground the
movie as much as possible so that the audience would believe that world. [Liv Tyler] It was very real, and when they first
screened the movie, the producer called me and he said “we just did
our first test screen and the audience thought it was a snuff film and had gotten so pissed off”.
[Scott Speedman] It was too much for a lot of people. [YMS] She only showed up to troll the audience. Nothing makes any sense.
how do you even write that? [Interviewer] it’s pretty terrifying I mean what made you wanna make it?
[Scott] It’s just a good script, really, I mean [Liv] I’ve actually like 3 or 4 friends who are actors who read the script who’s come up to me and say “I cannot go to my house in the country
anymore because every time I do I think of that script or that
I still can’t get it out of my head. [Scott] Yeah, you read a lot of scripts and not all of them
are all that good, and this one was really original, and really good so it just made me want to be in it
[YMS] I don’t understand how people were scared by this at all. All I can hear is “this is a movie,
this is a movie, this is a movie”. She gets trolled hardcore and decides
to go back to the house. She hides in the closet, but she’s
clearly dealing with the omniscient beings cuz they go WAAAAH. She runs around more and then suddenly DETROIT, BITCH. Whelp, this is basically the end of the movie,
I hope you’re satisfied. Are we supposed to feel any emotions for these
characters at this point? I know it was intentional but we don’t know anything
about them. [interview] Can you describe the relationship between
Kristen and James? [Scott] I kinda think, well I mean, I think about it and you know
they’ve been together a long time and maybe since high school. They’re sort of at that turning point
whether they’re going to, you know, get married and stay together or break up.
So is that what you mean? I don’t really know a lot about relationships
[Liv] But I was just riveted by not not by the fact that it was a scary movie
but but more by how rare and detailed the relationship was
between the couple and it reminded me of uhh more of a kind of European film in a lot of ways. [YMS] They take off their masks and the movie turns
a complete 180 meaning that the characters see something that we don’t
this time. “Okay now we’re gonna stab you”. This has
to be the most inefficient murder in the world. [maskless bitch] It will be easier next time. [YMS] What the hell? you were trolling them the
entire time how was it difficult for you at all? You were doing everything. You didn’t chase them around because you had to,
you did it because it was fun. You could have killed them in the fucking
beginning of the fucking movie if you wanted to. Half the shit you did in the movie served no
purpose whatsoever anyway. Some lifeless Jahovas Witness kids show up and find the bodies and just because the director wants to avoid
horror movie cliches [Zombie bitch] SCREAMS [Half-man] Clearly I can’t recommend this movie unless you
wanna die you know you’d have a heart attack
[Lifeless actors] You’re not gonna die [Half-man] I had a good time, but I don’t ever want to revisit it again.
[YMS] If there’s one thing I could use to describe this movie it’s a broken record. Once you’ve seen the first 20 minutes, you know
exactly what’s gonna happen the entire time because nothing changes. And you guessed it, there will be a sequel.
[Liv] I mean it definitely umm… brings to forward a lot of kinds of emotions. Of, you know our time on this earth is short
you know. *God damn, writing subtitles takes forever*